A time to share

There are times when the force of life comes at us with such force that it seems all we can do is hang on and do our best to weather the storm. There's no amount of wisdom and insight or knowledge of the answer that will allow you to skip the journey you are on. There are no shortcuts and no "easy button" to get you through to the next stage.  Life and the tremendous dynamics it holds take time--time to process, time to wade through, time to get back up when you've fallen down, time to wonder, time to grieve, time.

A year ago today, my mom died.

Just as the beauty and wonder of the scene from the mountain-top and the darkness of the deepest valleys cannot be portrayed in even the most sophisticated paintings, theaters or photographs, what's left in my memory of the highs and lows is simply a remnant of what I experienced. But certainly, it is worthwhile and my hope is that sharing it will yield blessings on us all.

I can't quite articulate how much the last few years have been forceful, powerful and incredibly blurry.
Blurry.
That's genuinely the best way I can describe the past year. So much goodness, so much sorrow, so much peace, so much love, SO many intensely contrasting emotions crammed into little tiny pieces of life---all surrounded by a blur.

For example, I will now (abruptly) leave you with some writing from Mother's Day. Words that were cleansing during that rough weekend and also words that I completely forgot I'd ever written and that I feel compelled to share.

Enjoy.
 

Yesterday, the tears fell freely. My heart full of sadness. Poetic words flowed easily through my mind of memories and earthly things I'd wished we could share.

Today's rhythm was far more rapid and the words are jagged, their pace: rigid.

The sunset. Illuminating the city's downtown. Every color of the rainbow, your granddaughter exclaimed. You are not here to share it. The ceremony of your son's vow renewal. Simple, yet right. I wept as I thought how you wanted most to see them walk down the aisle so many years ago.

People always say, "not a day goes by that I haven't thought of so-and-so." I never realized how true that is. It comes more naturally than my remembering to shower, or put on deodorant. It doesn't matter how blessed, happy, full-of-life, or overrun with challenges a day might be, I think about you. I hear you telling me I'm cutting an onion wrong or arguing about something mundane. I hear you telling me the things I should do in life more than I ever did before. I'm thankful for that. Thank you for speaking into my life, far more gently than I might have expected from you, "Write." Thank you for having a vision for me, even as a child, "Counsel." I never once thought you were wrong in those proclamations, but never did I imagine you could be SO right.

As Mother's day approaches, my heart could not be more full of gratitude. Thank you, mom. Thank you for the way you surrendered your life to God's direction while I was so young. You weren't perfect, but I know things were much different for me because of it. God had a plan for your life, and you new He had one for mine all along. You didn't travel an easy road, but you never, ever gave up. There are times I look back and I'm not sure how you made it, and times when I'm not sure where you were---because you gave me freedom to grow and freedom to bloom. It's those times, that I must admit, that you believed in me far more than I have ever believed in myself. And even when you didn't say it, you showed me.

Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself,  and for not denying my voice. Thank you for hearing my wisdom, even from a young age. For answering my questions and giving me explanations to the best of your ability. Thank you for supporting me, and occasionally, spoiling me. I hope that I can hear your confidence in me on days when I am feeling timid and unsure. I hope that I have the resolve that you had, when I encounter trials. And as my children, especially my girls, grow and mature, I hope that they know how dearly loved they are. I hope that they know that part of you will be carried on through me. That, in knowing me, they do know you on some level. That their lives are different because you prayed for me. Because you prayed for them. Because I'm praying for them.

So, on this very first mother's day without you. I pray that moms are able to grasp a small token of how much they are loved. And that children everywhere will utilize this day to cherish their moms while they can.

In Case You'd Like to Know...

People in my life will attest to the fact that I have a tendency to "over-share" rather than keep things quiet. Sometimes this is a downfall, but other times it is a blessing. I battle with boundaries from time-to-time and would normally rather you know too much about me rather than be left in the dark. This might not be true in large groups, or with everyone in the world, but I aspire to live a life in the light and not in the shadows. Yet as I've matured, I've come to learn the value of privacy and it's place at the right time. My tendency to share too much is part of what makes this post so much harder to start...

Today I read a blog post of a friend sharing about her miscarriage last fall. We aren't close friends, but it was a beautiful post; the kind that will cause many to cry and leave everyone wanting to literally hug the author. She waited an appropriate amount of time to announce her pregnancy to the world and then miscarried. We all mourn differently, and over something so precious and exciting as a new life, I do not feel that we have any idea of how to process this, privately or publicly. The day she wrote her post, was her original due date. That was a hard day. She had shared of the many hard days she had experienced since first learning she would miscarry. Hard days which included when others were announcing their pregnancies on Facebook. And my heart skipped. My heart skipped because I understood. I understood all too well and I couldn't figure out how to explain it all. My story is not the same as hers, but her words helped to remind my heart and to verbalize something I couldn't.

Last September, I wrote a blog post regarding my(our) very personal struggle in trying to conceive a child for nearly a year. I had just started grad school and had just found out I was pregnant. It was a daunting task, but I was full of optimism and ready for the challenge. It was during that year of trying to conceive where I'd first learned about those hard days. Friends announcing pregnancies and sharing their struggles and weekly progressions. It wasn't that they were doing anything wrong, it was just that I'd never imagined that a simple joyful post could be hurtful. The post that I wrote last fall told you I was pregnant and that I wouldn't be sharing it on facebook directly. I didn't (and don't) think it was wrong or bad to share it on Facebook, I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure what kept me from publishing that post, because we've never waited to share the news before, but something kept me waiting. And two days before my 30th birthday I suspected something wasn't right. Thankfully, my doctor listened and had me come in right away. I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum, nothing was growing. At 8 & 9 weeks nothing was found, no baby, no fetal pole, nothing.

Since that time, I've shared my story with many people I've seen in person. But for the most part, I've struggled with how to share about a loss when no one knew anything of any of the life or the hope in the first place. I know of many people who have never shared of any of their heartbreaking miscarriage(s) or struggles to conceive. And I don't think that's wrong or less than or ANYTHING. I don't think that every woman/couple needs to acknowledge this on facebook or a blog or anywhere in cyberspace. But, I do think we need to share even our most intimate struggles with a few people. And, if she is willing, I'm certain that sharing with a broader audience may bring healing to more than she would expect.

I don't think that I could have just shared any of this with you had the issue not been forced. For my friend, it was the passing of her due date. That day came and went on my calendar without my ever noticing---in part, because of my mom's health and also due to graduate school (these are stories all on their own!), but biggest reason I never noticed that date is because I am pregnant again. I haven't announced it to cyberspace because, well, this is where I still struggle...

I feel guilty for not shouting from the mountaintops. I feel as though it suggests that I am still not sure that everything will work out, or that I am not ecstatic or thrilled or blessed beyond words, but I AM! I suppose I have not announced it because I still don't know who is secretly mourning or hurting or trying to conceive. Certainly I am not responsible for the hardship others are going through or the journey they are on. And even if we are not close enough for me to know their struggles, I still feel burdened by them. In my hormonal and emotional state, I am keenly aware that life hurts.
Life is painful; dreadfully painful at times for each and every one of us.

The contrast to this pain is that life is beautiful. It is a tragedy, a comedy, a treasure and a struggle. It is every imaginable contrast. And ultimately, I have nothing more than...

Life is a miracle.

Our newest miracle is due three days before my 31st birthday.

Enjoy.

*Over the past few weeks I have found myself in a position which I did not quite know how to handle... in which I would see a friend at the store or out running errands and realize they had no idea that I am 24 weeks pregnant because we haven't spoken directly or seen each other in person! This scenario is far stranger than I had realized it might become. 

...On Running

Although I'm not a fast runner. In the past few years I've finally been willing to admit that I am a runner. I don't have the "runner's body" I hoped I would get before I started running, but I do have a body that can run. After completing 5 half-marathons, I'm grateful for all I've learned over the miles, and I'm well aware that there is more ground to cover with my shoes as well as in my emotional/spiritual life. So, especially for those of you that think anyone that enjoys spending hours each week running is CrAZy, let me share some of the things I've gleaned from it. Perhaps others can learn them by other means, but I have no doubt that I could only have learned them so well through the pain, sweat and labored breathing in all the miles I've covered.

First and foremost, I've learned that I can do more than I ever realized. My mental concepts of what I can or can't accomplish are way off base, either that, or they become self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm not usually a person that likes a challenge, if it seems too hard or too painful, I'm usually the first to admit my limitations. But running has taught me about the value of pushing harder and going further, and the rewards that come with it.

I've also learned that I am my own biggest obstacle. I can go slower or faster. I can lose 10, 15, even 20+ pounds and running does get easier. I can gain 10 or 15lbs back again, easily! I can allow that to get in my way, or I can choose to run anyways. If I want, I can make room in my schedule to run or not. It's really not about anyone else, which leads me to...

The most important thing I've learned from running is that it is HARD. Don't run, fine. But don't complain about how you don't have any endurance or are out of shape. If we're going to grow and get better at anything, it is GOING to HURT. We have this notion in our safe little society that we can have it all, that we can improve without doing any work. We hope, in the depths of our hearts (and while watching infomercials at 2am) that we really can get a little bit of something for nothing. It just doesn't work that way. Everything costs something. (It might be, that it costs someone else something---but regardless, even gifts freely given came at a price). If I want to get better at running, or ANYTHING, it is going to take WORK. There are no shortcuts, there is no way to get through that 10mile run besides putting one foot in front of the other. The agony will end and the endorphins will be there and it will feel great! You won't have a "mountain top" experience during or after every run or every week, but when you do, all the things you love about running will come rushing at you all at once like a refreshing, cleansing, full-force waterfall. *sigh*

Endurance doesn't come without going further than you've gone before. And while I might complain and my mind may SHOUT "I can't do this!" I must keep going. It's true on a run and it's true in life.

Press on.

They say that all of life's troubles can be solved with salt water--- tears, sweat and the ocean. My guess is that when you live in Kansas, you'd better get some extra sweat out to make up for our lack of ocean :-)

Enjoy. (and PRESS ON!)

Worship and Sacrifice.

True, authentic worship. It's not about doing what makes me feel good. Although I love to sing praises  and often feel God's love being poured over me when I worship, that's not what it's about.

One day as I stood singing in church I thought about how much I would just love, love, LOVE to just sing and pray and worship God all day, every day---and how awesome it will be in heaven to do that. But then I stopped. Because then I heard how selfish that was and how, at least part of the reason I would love to do nothing more than stand in worship is because I like how worship makes ME feel.

Ouch.

Don't get me wrong, we have been made to love and worship God, and we should feel His peace and warmth and joy when we worship. What about the times when the songs aren't ones I like or something else is distracting me during this hour of musical praise?
And what about sacrifice? We don't take our prized possessions(animals) to the priest to have them properly sacrificed anymore---we recognize that Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice--He paid the price of our sins so now we are free to go to the Father through Him. BUT---does that mean we are "off the hook?" Is that really IT? We just go about living our lives and get "warm fuzzies" from Jesus when we need it?

No.

Authentic worship means surrender.

Stop and think about what "real sacrifice" and "genuine surrender" mean---in your life. As in, today.

We submit our will. Our plans. It means we get and we live in a way that shows we will never forget that our life is NOT our own. And to our carnal, selfish minds that can be scary because it means that nothing is off limits.

Nothing.

Not our relationships, not the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the gossip we share, the lies we tell (ourselves), the judgments we pass, the food we eat, or the habitual sin(s) we ignore because it's/they are  "no big deal." Our thought lives, our careers, the way we spend our time and money, our plans, hopes, dreams… those aren't our own either.

My Life---is not my own.

You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body. 1 Corinthians 6:20

And apparently, I needed more confirmation and wisdom because I read this yesterday, "When you know a thing, and do it, immediately you know more. Revise where you have become stodgy spiritually, and you will find it goes back to a point where there was something you knew you should do, but you did not do it because there seemed no immediate call to, and now you have no perception, no discernment; at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-possessed. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to go on knowing. The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you work up occasion to sacrifice yourself; ardor is mistaken for discernment." -Oswald Chambers (emphasis mine)

I cannot read the passage above without being reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5 :19---"Do not quench the Spirit."

So what then? What are you still holding on to? Until you're putting it all out there… you're missing out! I want to be used by God and to live in such a way that shows I want nothing more than to be COMPLETELY open to and transformed by Him. I don't want to hold anything back because I don't want Him to keep any of His goodness from me.

 I've got stuff He wants me to let go of, and it feels really good to really let Him work and lead the way in molding my heart and life. What are you holding on to? Where have you told God He's off limits? Where is your faith shaky, your trust lacking?  There are seasons in life where we come to realize that pruning needs to be done, and my prayer is that we are willing to be immediately obedient in letting Him work wherever He chooses.

And that, is true worship.

Enjoy.

Reassurance

I'm not sure why I'm prefacing this blog with an introduction...

A couple of months ago I was listening to Matt Redman's "The Heart of Worship." For many reasons this is one of those songs you can go back to time and time again. But, there's a portion of this song that I have never sung in church before. "You shall not share Your glory with another." What a powerful and true statement. So, I was listening to this song and thinking about attributes of God and this is what I was thinking about and writing:

The narcissism of our culture--of humanity.
My own selfishness. ugh.

And yet He is still in love with me. 

He loves me beyond measure.

 I'd say "whole-heartedly" but He IS love---so He couldn't possibly love me in any portion.

No matter how we are---He does not let go.
If we are filled with arrogance and pride----He does not let go.
If we are writhing on the floor in shame---He does not let go. 
When we are so self-absorbed and insist on doing it our own way and living in our own strength---He doesn't let go. 
When we can't bear the pain to open our eyes, when we can't see---He doesn't let go. 
When we take the credit for life going well, when we can't stand the noise of life-the chaos and havoc---He does not let go.


He has NOT let go of YOU either. 
(Which kind of reminds me of another Matt Redman song!)

When it comes to authentic surrender to the Savior

You aren't grasping for a safety net.

It's not there!

(You. Don't. Need. It.)

Scripture reassures us, "No one who trusts God like this--heart and soul--will ever regret it." It's exactly the same no matter what a person's religious background may be the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help." Romans 10:11-13 (MSG)

Enjoy.

So many reasons to smile...

I considered a number of things before sitting down to blog a bit. Like should I include all my tiny random "blog-worthy" posts into a larger post? Or should I make those separate entries? And... okay, I won't bore you with all of my perfectionistic "woulds" or "shoulds." And I certainly won't claim that this entry is nearly as good as I'd hoped. But, it is what it is!

For now, I'll just tell you my current favorite story!

   Last week Elseigh had placed the ottoman about 2 or 3 feet from the TV with pillows on either side of it. She was jumping over the ottoman while I was cooking. My parents were over, and politely my mom told Elseigh that she should not be doing that, as she was fearful that one mis-step would end in a TV-shattering disaster. But, she told Elseigh to check with me to make sure. I walked into the living room and assessed the situation. I understood why my mom was nervous about it, but (knowing that the TV has a shatter-proof screen) wasn't REALLY worried about it.
   So, I decided to take this chance to talk to Elseigh about how sometimes it's just better not to do something because it was making grandma particularly nervous. I decided to use, what I thought was the PERFECT example: "Elseigh, do you know how you feel when we are in the car and I'm not buckled?"
    (To fill you in, if there are ever the SMALLEST moments when I have not quite gotten the seatbelt latched right as the vehicle has just started moving Elseigh begins SHOUTING "DING! DING! DING! MOMMY!!! YOUR SEATBELT!!! DING DING DING!!!")
   Because Elseigh will flat-out tell you that this makes her nervous and even frequently tells me as I'm putting the van in reverse, "I was just checking to make sure you were buckled," I really thought this would be a SIMPLY point to make. But what does she say? She looks at me, calm, but quite seriously and says "But mommy, I don't feel that way whenever grandma doesn't have her seatbelt on."
   I simply ran from the room she was in trying to hold in my laughter. What more could I say?

%^#&* #)@$!!!

Yesterday, while driving home from the store. Elseigh was having a hard time getting her bunny's new jacket off of the hanger. As I listen, I hear her frustration building. What does she say?

"Tartar sauce!"

I laugh.

Then she says, "It's NOT FUNNY! Breathe through your nose and close your mouth so you won't laugh!"

So, I do.

Today, with her help, we remember what happened well enough to tell daddy. When we ask her who says "Tartar Sauce!" she responds, "Patrick." Thanks, SpongeBob, Thanks.

Good Thought

A quote on my friends f-book profile caught my eye...

Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards. - Soren Kierkegaard

I dig it.

Just Because

I've just now realized why my blogging is so sporadic. I like to blog whenever I need to escape. And it's not that everything is so amazing that I no longer feel the need to escape, it's just that there are so few times that I do escape and so many other ways that I choose over blogging. Like what you ask? Like running. Like making cards/invitations. And shopping. And going to Borders sans children. Wait, going anywhere sans children--- or even going places with only 1 kid. Hanging out with friends, usually at my place.

Running: Just like last time, I managed to gain 70+lbs with this pregnancy. So, even though weigh around 35lbs less than the day I gave birth, I still have a long ways to go. AND, even though my stamina is, uhmmm, sucky I can still manage to jog longer than 1 minute at a time. Long enough, in fact, that it is already enjoyable. Better yet: once I manage to make it out of the house with the girls, there's totally childcare at the Y! AND (as if it needs to be better) they remember Elseigh (spelling included) from when I took her there around 2 years ago!

Cards/Thank You's/Invites: Creatively expressing myself is the best. The downfalls: $$$ & E wants to use my glue/ribbons/punches/stencils/stamps. That wouldn't be much of a problem except for the fact that she's not any better at cleaning up than I am and, a related problem, things get lost. I'll be posting some of my "work"--- eventually.

I would keep going, but the rest are pretty obvious. And both kiddos are back at home. Oh, and there are so many things to tackle before a dear friend comes over... but I think she might be in the driveway.

Trying to do it all...

So I've been neglecting this blog for the entire first four months of this year. Any hopes I'd had of welcoming regular readers have faded. Gratefully, I'm okay with that.

In the last 3 months my husband/I: Found a great day-care. Bought a house. Stripped the wallpaper in 80% of the house. Painted. Packed. Moved. Started a part-time job. Trained for a half-marathon. Completed a half-marathon. Celebrated our daughter's third birthday.

I'm certain I could include other events, but those are the most apparent. Now, I'm faced with multiple wedding events on nearly every weekend until June, finals, and stripping/re-finishing dressers for the master bedroom. None of this is to say that I'm complaining, I suppose I'm just needing to publicly forgive myself for not writing as much as I'd like.

This week I've been focused on weeds and dead leaves, both physically and symbolically. To put it more quickly and bluntly than I'd like--- too many times we think we've dealt with a certain weed or we've raked out some dead leaves and we expect that they will never return. When we rake each fall or pluck up a weed, we never walk away assuming the work is completely done. So why would we ever assume the same could occur in us emotionally, spiritually or relationally?