excuse me

I don't exactly have any central theme for today. It's Father's day, but here at my house, it's been a rather strange one. I'm becoming obsessed with finding a new ring tone. I want something fun, but also something positive--- one that people wouldn't mind hearing at the doctor's office or in line at the grocery store, or one that won't embarrass me at school (should I forget to turn off my ringer) or at church. What's the best ring tone you've ever heard? Sometimes the really funny ones are the spoken ones. There's one called "annoying ring" (I think) and it's hilarious!

I read an article in the newspaper today about a young woman who died from anti-inflammatory cream. This isn't exactly new news, but I was saddened by this tragedy. I'm not exactly a distance runner, but I'm working up my mileage little by little, so I was quite surprised by it. Runner's World doesn't talk about it much in their magazine, if at all, so I'm uncertain of the popularity of these drugs. My husband often complains about his legs aching, so my soon to be doctor of physical therapy friend said he needs to drink OJ after he works out! No Bengay for him, phew! OJ smells much better!

Moving right along. Today at church I was feeling pretty emotional, and not the good kind. But, I was desperately trying to let go and give it all to God, which consisted of me praying pretty much throughout the entire service. At the end of the sermon, our pastor said something that really hit home. I know it was said for me, you know those times when God just says something and it hits a chord in your inmost being--- he said that "God doesn't expect us to be perfect, no one's perfect, you're not and I'm not. God only wants us to live a life worthy of Him. " He also said that, as our pastor, his only focus is not how many of us show up on Sundays or if we follow certain regimens, but only if we are living our lives in a manner worthy of God.

It's funny how hearing the truth from other people is so much more remarkable than telling yourself! I'm also constantly overcome by the fact that God is totally about giving us everything we need, not just physically, but even when it comes to women's (characteristically 'petty') emotions. He alone will continue to speak to us the words we need to hear, and I'm so grateful He never tires in the repetition. And I'm thankful that there was a definite purpose in my hearing this "Father's Day" sermon!

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding to you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of our house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:5-9


Music to my ears?

Just the other day I decided it had been WAY too long since I had put any new tunes on my ipod. After finding a number of awesome songs, I decided to look through the various genres and the most popular songs within them. To my surprise I found a very catchy song! But will you ever believe me that the entire hip-hop tune is about lip gloss? The beat is great and the lyrics are, well, not going to leave a lasting impression, at least not once you have managed to get the song out of your head again! So, if you haven't heard any of "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama. Go check it out for a laugh, just make sure you're alone. :)


I have this notion that I'm supposed to be perfect. Where, may I ask, did I get this idea? Was this an expectation implanted in my brain at an early age? And how, exactly, did this expectation reach to the level that it has? How is it that instead of doing something or saying something that might not be perfect, I choose to not make a mistake. I readily admit, all too often, this is a much bigger mistake. When did I decide that if I was going to do something that I should do it perfectly?

I also must assert that many people feel God expects humans to strive to be perfect. God wants us to love Him, and to know Him. Greater love for Him and greater knowledge of Him results in an amazing relationship with Him. The outcome of that is we will become more like Him. And yes, God is perfect, but He requirement from us is never perfection, that is our own assertion. Somehow, I can always straighten it out on paper, but in my heart I have jumbled it up once more. I choose not to do something for fear that I will fail. Or I choose not to do another thing because I will not do it as perfectly as I would like.

I choose not to write, or blog because of the immediate exposure. The vulnerability is a heavy weight on my heart. Yet ultimately, I have to come back to the reality that words mean very little in this world, and I admit that I tend to take myself too seriously from time to time.

I am reading a book called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. Wow. This is certainly applicable to me in so many areas of my life and heart right now. Many times throughout the day I need to recognize what really matters, and focus on the one the really matters and trust in Him. I am not at all trying to say that this is the point of the book, but it's the best paraphrase I can get right now, and I haven't picked it up in a few days.

In our technology saturated world, it is dreadfully sad that we need to write out our thoughts just so we'll have them before they're interrupted. I think too many of us never bother to feel half of life because we've rushed through it or turned the channel or hit fast-forward or mute, or turned up our i-pod even louder. Using technology to "get away" is such a cop-out, and one I'm definitely guilty of. What's happened to our brains when we can't even process our feelings without writing them down. Are we emotionally retarded by the media at hand? With the world at our fingertips, who would choose to sort through the agony this life often brings us?

I suppose there's one tiny spot in everyone's world where reality will always surface--- those last few moments of wakefulness. And, YET AGAIN- perhaps this is why we need Ambien or Lunesta. The feelings we supress throughout our wakeful state rise to the surface and we cannot drift off to sleep; we may not accept these emotions, and we may not even have the slightest capability of being able to deal with them. So, who do we call? A friend or pastor, a relative or loved one, a trusted counselor? No, a doctor. Here's your prescription, hope it helps.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against doctors. I'm not even sure I truly have a problem with sleep medicine. However, I do think that we all too often blame our problems on things that are not the culprit. Why? Because it would be easier. It's a lot easier for me to turn on the TV than to really figure out how I'm feeling. It's more convenient for me to ramble on about nothing than to truly listen.

Okay--- enough friends, that may be all the feelings I can muster up right now. Good night.



Once again, I have been entirely absent from the blog world. In case it's not obvious enough, I have a great deal of trouble with being consistant. I have hundreds of goals and aspirations, but rarely the time or energy for half of them. My heart wants to show all my friends and family how much I love them, but the reality is, I often don't.

As this summer begins, I have been faithfully running, which is great for my weight-loss efforts. However, I have also been just as faithful in my consumption of the glorious energy-containing substance we call FOOD. In just a couple of days I will be heading back to school. Ugh. On the one hand I'm releieved, my schedule will once again be jammed full. But at the same time, I know there will be too many things on my to-do lists that will get knocked off the page. This summer, I've made goals for physical fitness, spiritual goals, academic goals and relational goals. So far, they aren't going too bad. Like I said, I have been running regularly. I would love to register for a 5k race in July, but there are so few races in this area! I have not started memorizing any new verses, I need to get with it there. I have been reading this remarkable book/study called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. This is really relative to my life right now, and there is quite a bit to swallow. Academically, I started reading Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy. I haven't made it too far. I read a page or two of The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison but before I knew it, it was due back to the library. Relationally, well, that's going decently with my peer friends and with Jon as well. Super.

I still have such a difficult time blogging here, I think in part because some blogs are so tightly focused. Well folks, that's not me. There are times when my world seems as small as a pea, but most often it comes close to overwhelming me entirely. If it weren't for Jesus, well, I wouldn't be sitting here with the peace I have. There are times when I feel so inadequate, but then I remember that the only confidence I am to have or even need is confidence in God. He is my only security. I beleive there was a verse in my email box the other day about this. Perhaps this is a verse I will memorize this summer.

Ha! I knew when I created this blog that it's title would be so important. Arbitrary- random. Life is full, life is random. Some times its randomness is exhausting, other times exhilirating. The same is true of my thoughts! Sometimes I want to stop thinking, other times I wish I could think all day.

teehee- when I was young I wrote a poem that started with "sometimes..." not funny for me to tell you about, but a funny memory I share with a friend.

Well, this is my world today. I went for a 3-mile jog. Took my daughter to the zoo. Cleaned the kitchen (hard-core cleaning/mopping). Talked on the phone for about 10 minuts. Searched for 5k's in July 4th. Posted this blog. I'm outta here.